That’s pretty much the bottom line. Nobody likes to be broken up with or have to breakup with someone.
I have had a few in my life on both sides of the table, and they are usually the product of a misjudgment early on.
But here’s something I’ve realized… not all relationship breakups are created equal. Some of them are good, some of them bad, and some of them are just not that significant.
It took me a long time to understand this, but I think there are three types of breakups.
1) The amicable fade out
This kind is probably the easiest to deal with. This is where both of you didn’t have a lot invested emotionally, and thus it was okay moving on from the relationship.
Sometimes you stay friends on social media and occasionally run into each other at places. But neither person is especially concerned about the welfare of the other and is happy to be free to explore other options.
Often these relationships are the ones that didn’t really even need to start, and as you grow more mature you learn not to even get into them to begin with.
2) The nasty, never-talk-to-again
This is the kind nobody wants to deal with, but the truth is they happen. You probably started this relationship based on some unhealthy dynamic, which of course made it all the more attractive. Unfortunately, as you both grew as people, it became clear you weren’t going in the same direction.
Despite the best intentions to breakup amicably, these types of breakups usually happen over some event. When they do both people are somewhat relieved, but at the same time sort of still wanting it to continue. This often causes this type of relationship to rekindle and flame out several times.
Eventually, the only recourse is to part ways for good. Take your shit and go. Sometimes you force pleasant words through gritted teeth, other times it’s just nasty and you hope to never see them again.
Over time, the anger and resentment you feel towards the person turns into relief, as you realize you actually dodged a bullet by breaking up.
3) The good friend material
This is the one that everyone hopes for when we breakup.
Usually when the split happens, there is a mention of being friends from one person, sometimes from both. But sometimes things do actually move to a place of higher friendship and connection. You both see how the dynamic is better as friends, without the need for a sexual or romantic connection.
I believe this is by far the best of the three types, because you don’t really lose anything. In fact, you gain a close friend. The person has your back, and wants you to find a better match.
Of course, the good friend dynamic can take a little while. You might need a few months after the initial breakup for the dynamic to reset. But with some courtesy and patience you will find a new connection starts to blossom.
These three kinds of breakups are what I have experienced, and I am sure there are many more dynamics as well. I have noticed though that above all the huge value of time to ease any tension or struggle.
Whenever a romantic relationship has ended for me, I know to have faith that all things will find their right place in due time. Sometimes it takes a few months, sometimes even a few years, but eventually you will find peace and move forward happily.