Why Am I So Damn Competitive?

If you are are a competitive person, this will hopefully make a lot of sense. If you’re not, it might sound like the ramblings of a madman.

For as long as I can remember, I have been an over-competitive person. I love to test my mettle against other people and new challenges of any kind.

Challenging me to a game of Monopoly is an exercise in endurance. Nobody is leaving the board until someone owns it all. There is one winner and everyone else loses.

Why am I like this? Honestly, I think it comes down to insecurity.

I was a quiet, shy, awkward kid. I wasn’t any good at sports, and I wasn’t cool.

But if I was ‘good’ at something, then that thing became my life. I was an advanced reader in the 5th grade, and nobody could ‘beat’ me in vocabulary or comprehension tests. I was good at Street Fighter II at the video arcades in my early teens, and would play for hours challenging anyone who tried to beat me.

In these realms I was a king of a tiny little kingdom.
But I loved it. I craved it. I became addicted to it.  Thus, the over-competitive urge grew in me.

It’s only in the last few years, as I’ve hit some setbacks that I’ve started to see how my competitive nature has both a benefit and a curse.

Benefit: It drives me to get incredible results. I push myself well beyond what most people will do, and I simply won’t quit until I master something. This means I have grown as a speaker, business consultant, salesperson, marketer and in many other areas very quickly.

Curse: It makes me incredibly jealous and resentful. If I don’t achieve what I want (i.e. I don’t ‘win’) I start to get angry. Angry at myself, angry at the ‘system’ and I waste tremendous energy brooding the loss. Even worse, if I see others who have what I want, I find it hard to be happy for them. I become a petulant child who wants his toys.

Because of this realization, I’ve really been looking at what makes me an over-competitive person.  Here is what I came up with:

The Love of a Challenge

I believe that most people enjoy rising to a challenge, but some people are more built this way than others. Speaking for myself, if I see something in front of me that I think will grow my skills or abilities, I often get very excited. I want to climb the new mountain and find the next horizon. When I set my mind on a new challenge, I get obsessive for a while and want to devote a lot of time and energy to the challenge.

Overall, this is probably a positive part of being competitive as through challenges I have become stronger as a person, and a bigger contributor to the world. It also makes me feel very alive.

The Need to be Important and Be Noticed

This is probably the most embarrassing to admit, but my drive to be competitive comes from a need to be noticed by others. I want people to see me doing good, and being a person of accomplishment. In essence, I want to be important. 

I want them to be engaged in what I am doing, and this is easier to achieve if I find a way to make it competitive.
At the core, this is a narcissistic need that is not easy to fight. It takes a lot of courage to admit I need to be important and be noticed. But that is the truth.

Seeking Validation through External Means

The concept of ‘winning’ is one that permeates our society. The need to be viewed as a winner in some way (or many ways) can become a disease in itself.

The challenge with this one is that the more you achieve (i.e. ‘win’) the more it becomes important to keep ‘winning’. Being a winner becomes somehow wrapped up with your identity and you can’t separate from it.

If you don’t win, it makes you desperate for another win. You are like a junky craving the next hit. The next win must be bigger than the last loss.

Of course, any achievement is simply a form of external validation. You don’t need it, but it feels good and people recognize you for it.

The Fear of Being ‘Average’

For me, as a competitive person, I have a huge fear of being ranked the same as everyone else. My ultimate sense of failure is to simply be a part of the crowd and not acknowledged as special in some way. Of course, this is a true narcissistic trait and one that is terrifying to admit publicly.

By acknowledging this irrational need to ‘not be average’ I can see how much it drives my competitiveness. The irony is that by trying not to be something, we are holding onto the fear and it is creating a negative focus point.

I realizing as I write this that this might be my most self-indulgent blog post to date, so please forgive me. Essentially, I am trying to work through this idea out loud. As author Stephen King once said ‘Writing is refined thinking.’

That’s my aim here with understanding my over competitive nature. I am finding by admitting fault about my weaknesses they have less of a hold over me.

The desire to compete is something that has positives and negatives. I honestly think for me this will continue to be a challenge throughout my whole life.

The trick is to know when to let it drive me, and when to hit the brakes.


22 thoughts on “Why Am I So Damn Competitive?

  1. Daniel , Great post – enjoying your blog – liking what you have to share. I am not sure if I am competitive, I guess we all are to a degree -but I wont say it is my driver. Thanks for following me – and giving me the opportunity to discover your blog – which is pretty awesome. Good day Regards Bella – from the UK

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much for posting this. It’s really help me understand why I’m so competitive at work. I looked through videos and articles and this is the only one that made sense and hit home!


  2. I identify with you on so many ways on this topic (more than I’d like to admit)! What a great way to identify your faults and realize the areas you need to work on. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, I think we all tend to have a competitive nature in one way or another. Also wanting to be noticed or recognized for your accomplishments doesn’t necessarily make you a narcissist. As you mentioned, I think the key is learning when it’s fine to let your light shine and take credit for things, and you should from time to time, you should embrace your accomplishments and be proud of them. However; it is also good to realize when you need to step back and let others stand in the lime light. It doesn’t make you any less of a person, it’s just realizing that every single one of us deserves credit and “fame” from time to time. Narcissism vs. Altruism!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi,
    I felt connected with every single bit of what you wrote.
    It is hurting. You can easily hurt your friends and loved ones. Without even noticing it.
    You can drive yourself into isolation and resentment.
    It seems there are two ways people take when they notice they have such issue, either it adds to their insecurity and make them even more competitive, or make them give up anything that has any sense of competitiveness in it.
    I am sure both are not the healthiest coping mecahnism.
    There has to be another way. There has to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Summer, thanks for the comment. To me, it seems there can be a healthy way to use your competitiveness. It comes down to channeling it in a way that helps others. If you can ‘be the best’ in a giving or charitable function you are then serving the world. Whenever I get that urge to compete, I now ask myself ‘who is this serving?’ That question usually helps me stay level and on the right track. – DMS


    1. Hi Amin, I haven’t actually read much about it in books. The only places I’ve heard it mentioned is in articles, and books about narcissism. But as always, the main thing is to be conscious of it. If you’re aware that your competitiveness has kicked in, it is easier to channel it in positive ways. Hope that helps! – DMS


  4. I just was searching how to tame my competitiveness, because it grows to jealousy, and this short, yet deeply thoughtful essay has moved me toward change. Thank you for this topic and your honesty.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Rose, so glad ti was valuable for you! Yes, being competitive is a blessing and curse all rolled into one… I hope you find your own way to manage it and turn it towards healthy endeavors! – DMS


  5. This resonates with me so much, every detail of it actually. The way you describe what you’re goig through in you head whilst it’s happening is word for word what I’ll often think. I have just been doing a lot of research on ADHD because I’ve recently been diagnosed though I declined medicine (I value the benefits of my overactive mind enough to power through the negatives) and I’m lead to believe that a lot of my issues including my anger and overreacting to small occurrences, like repetition for example stem from my ADHD. Though my competitive nature I csn trace back earlier. Much like you i took pride in video games, i was the best at them among my friends and won almost every time, though the rare time i lost, it showed badly. But now since I’ve been exposed to online gaming there is a none stop flow of players who are better than me and it’s extremely difficult for me to handle. Even in minecraft if i die i will lose my mind which i am quite imbarassed to acknowledge. And winning feels great, but is never enough as you put it, and whenever i lose it gets ugly very fast. You saying its like an extra dose of heroin, I’ve never thought of that before but it makes sense when you think about it. Thank you for your insight and clear descriptions. I’m going to research the connections of my ADHD and competitive nature, to see how well i can harmonize them without being self destructive.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for sharing Dragon, I can definitely relate to what you are saying and sometimes just knowing there is someone else who has the same thoughts and feelings can make it a lot easier! Keep on your own path in life, and remember that not everything is a competition. But at the same time having competitive drives is not wrong as it keeps you making effort long after others have given up. Go easy on yourself, and keep doing what you’re doing – DMS


  6. I appreciate this post. I’ve been realizing lately that I’ve got an almost Hermione-Granger-like attitude when it comes to knowledge. I always raise my hand; I always know the answer, and if I don’t, I get upset and make it my mission to know. That part about narcissism hit me and made me squirm because I know it’s me. So, thank you for this. It’s been helpful in making me think about my own issues.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Miranda, so glad it made sense for you too! There have been many times in my life where I wished I wasn’t this way, but it does have benefits as well. Wishing you all the best, and make sure to keep me updated on your journey! – DMS


  7. Thanks for this post! I really saw myself in some bits of this post, yet not in others. The bit about the desire to be noticed hit me like a ton of bricks, and its great to know other people feel the same way. On another post I read that my competitiveness will have stemmed from something that happened when I was younger, but I don’t know what that could be other than my younger sibling. Do you know if your competitiveness stemmed from something, or is it just natural like mine?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So glad that you found value in the ideas here – and that is a great question. I am not sure if my competitiveness is intrinsic, or if something created it. All I know is that I have to recognize it when it’s there and make sure to use it in the correct way! Hope you can find a balance as well! – DMS


  8. I loved this. I admire your raw honesty, I needed to read this article today. Today was a tipping point of awareness of how competitive I am. Sometimes I notice the moment I start to build skill in something, I want to show it off and get that positive reinforcement to show that I’m a desired and great person. I suffer and benefit from both the same ailment as you of wanting to be someone other than the crowd. I’ve been plagued with feeling like a narcissist or a overachiever who needs attention some days.

    But I realize too, those who are competitive are the ones who have such a drive to go above and beyond and swim up the stream. I think we can be the ones that sometimes bring the most change due to our sometimes crushing and unkind competitive nature. Because we want to stand out as above average. That means we may do things that are unthinkable for some due to the ridiculously high standards we hold for ourselves. We are the world changers, because we can’t stand not to be!

    I feel as long as we balance it with awareness and constant readjustments to bring a healthy and kind mindset, we can bring a lot of beauty into the world. It really took an awakening in my teen years for me to start seeing how important it was to be inclusive to all. If that awakening didn’t happen I know I’d be a narcissist.

    Thanks for creating the material that created the evolution that allowed me to write that realization in a comment! Without your article I would have never thought about it, just that way.


    1. Thank you for sharing Layla, it’s so cool that you were able to find awareness from sharing your perspective. I agree that competitiveness has an upside, and it’s a matter of finding the balance that feels healthy for you. Wishing you all the best for the next phase in your life! – DMS


  9. Thank you for your words, helped me better understand myself! And thanks for being so honest, we need that more from a lot more people to realise that we often have the same doubts, fears and insecurities but that part of healing those is also a collective task…


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