Have you ever thought about why you have the personality that you do?

Ever wondered if your unique worldview might be hurting or helping you?

If you struggle to understand others or to get along in the world, it might be due to having an unhealthy ego.

Your ego plays a huge part in how you think, feel, and react to other people. Your ego dictates your motivation, your habits, and your lifestyle. 

Your ego is at the core of every decision you make and is constantly directing your life in the background. 

Many famous psychologists, philosophers, and spiritual leaders have spoken about the ego and debated whether the ego is a good or bad thing. Many people even try to ‘kill the ego’, or achieve ‘ego death’.

While this might sound extreme, there is a lot of value in better understanding how your ego drives your behavior. The more you understand what ego is, how ego works, and why you have an ego, the easier it becomes to have a healthy ego.

In this article, I want to do a deep dive into what it means to have a healthy or balanced ego. Over the past few months, I have done a deep dive about the ego, and how it can either help or hinder depending upon how it functions in your life. I have learned that learning to work on yourself leads to a healthier ego and a happier life.

Learning how to have a healthy ego is not an easy, quick, or simple task. It takes a lot of deep reflection, self-awareness, and a desire to grow as a person. However, the benefits of having a healthy ego are well worth the effort. 

What is an Ego?

The question ‘What is an ego?’ is not an easy one to answer.

The etymology of the word ego is from Latin, and essentially describes the first person singular personal pronoun; “I”.

You might have noticed that there are different psychological definitions of ego and ways of understanding what an ego actually is. Sometimes the word ego is often thrown around to describe someone being overconfident or arrogant. 

On top of this, there are many fractured meanings when it comes to describing what an ego is. It is hard to get a solid sense of what ego actually is, and how it affects our personality.

To try to better define the ego let’s start with a few basic concepts and definitions of ego:

The Freudian Ego describes one of the three parts of Sigmund Freud’s structural model of the psyche. The ego, superego, and id all work together to help us regulate our behavior and to keep us psychologically stable.

Egoism is an ethical theory that treats self-interest as the foundation of morality, meaning that people have a tendency to put their own needs and wants ahead of others or the world.

Egotism is a psychological term that describes the drive to create and maintain a favorable view of oneself in the eyes of others, on social media, or in the world.

Egocentrism is a person’s inability to accurately assume or understand any perspective other than one’s own. Very often people who are autocratic, pushy, or argumentative may have an issue with egocentrism.

Self-concept is another psychological term that also has links to the ego, and describes a collection of personal beliefs about yourself that answer the question “Who am I?”

All of these different definitions of ego point to a similar thing: a person’s view of themselves, and perspective of the world based on their past experiences and beliefs.

While nobody has a perfect definition of ego, the definition of ego given by Eckhart Tolle is probably the best that I have found. According to Tolle, “ego is identification with form, primarily thought forms.”

What this means is that whenever you think, or use the word ‘I’ you are expressing yourself from the point of view of the ego. 

Who Created the Idea of the Ego?

The creation of the concept of ego is credited to Sigmund Freud, the founder of modern psychoanalysis. Initially, the terms were described in German, which was Freud’s native language.

Freud was one of the first to place the unconscious part of the mind at the forefront of both theory and practice. As part of his work with patients, he is credited with creating the ego theory of the mind. Freud first described the ego as part of this three-part Theory of Mind in his 1920 essay ‘Beyond the Pleasure Principle.’

Understanding the Id, Ego, Super Ego

Sigmund Freud’s Theory of Mind consists of three parts:

Id – Freud described the id as “the dark, inaccessible part of our personality”. Understanding of the id is limited to the analysis of dreams and neurotic symptoms, and it can only be described in terms of its contrast with the ego.

Ego – Freud saw the ego as a mediator between the id and reality. Freud wrote that the ego is “obliged to cloak the (unconscious) commands of the id” with rationalizations.

Superego – The superego reflects a person’s set of learned cultural rules from parents, teachers, the media, and the general cultural ethos they are born in.

Each of these three components of Freud’s theory of mind works together and against each other and often causes a great deal of internal conflicts within a person.

After the initial work of Freud, his concept of the ego was carried on by his daughter Anna Freud, Heinz Hartmann, and others. Although the psychology of the ego was popular in the 1940s through to the 1960s, it was soon deemed too simple and overshadowed by more modern psychology studies and theories.

Why Do We Have an Ego?

Each person slowly develops a sense of themselves as they grow from a young child into an adult.

The purpose of the ego seems to be to create a sense of identity and separateness between ourselves and other people. It is through our ego that we decide ‘who’ we are, and define ourselves as a unique person.

As Eckhart Tolle explains in his book A New Earth: 

‘As the child grows up , the original I-thought attracts other thoughts to itself: It becomes identified with a gender, possessions, the sense-perceived body, a nationality, race, religion, profession. They are ultimately no more than thoughts held together precariously by the fact that they are all invested with a sense of self. This mental construct is what you normally refer to when you say “I”.’

Once your sense of self, your ego is created, it continues to build upon what it has identified with.

The more invested a person becomes in the possessions, roles, and beliefs linked to their ego, the more difficult it can be to let go of them. This attachment to symbols of identity is one of the primary reasons why we find it hard to change our self image.

Is Having an Ego a Bad Thing?

Very often the idea of ego is seen as a negative human trait.

The reality is that your ego is neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’; it is the psychological reality it creates for you that matters.

As people grow into young adults, very often their perception of who they are begins to become more important. The adolescent urge to be like their friends, or fit into a peer group is often driven by egoic needs to feel like they belong. 

Sometimes humans develop healthy ego traits that nurture their development and growth. At other times, there is a tendency towards unhealthy ego traits.

Understanding Healthy Ego Vs. Unhealthy Ego

Trying to define the ego as either healthy or unhealthy is difficult without a specific contest. Each human being has a unique personality and will have both positive and negative traits. Mental health also plays a role in how well a person appears to function well in daily life.  

Healthy Ego Traits

If the environment a person is raised in offers them a healthy, supportive environment, they may develop a balanced and healthy ego.

A person with a healthy ego will have a sense of unique identity while also seeing that they are part of the greater society. A healthy ego can create a drive to help others, to contribute to the world, and to be a kinder person.

Signs of somebody who has a healthy ego can include:

• Compassion 
• Inner Peace and Calm
• Humility
• Self-love and Self-Respect
• Ability to be selfless
• Resilience
• High Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

A person who has a healthy ego understands their own value and embraces both the good and bad aspects of themselves. They know that they are not ‘perfect’ and don’t desire to be. Additionally, a healthy ego reduces the need to impress others and makes life choices based on what is most fulfilling.

Being able to tolerate discomfort and suffering is a sign of a healthy ego and having the inner knowledge that they can overcome challenges and find new ways to deal with struggles.

Perhaps most importantly, the person with a healthy ego has a sense of grounding and lives within reasonable boundaries. They are respectful both towards themselves and to the world around them. 

Unhealthy Ego Traits

Signs of an unhealthy ego are often easier to recognize in other people than in ourselves.

People who have a ‘strong ego’ or an ‘inflated ego’ are sometimes seen as being difficult to tolerate. They may display a lot of insecurity, or they may display too much pride. Both extreme types of personality are indicators of an unhealthy ego.

The idea of having an ‘ego problem’ is usually associated with your ego driving too much of your behavior.

Common signs of somebody who has an unhealthy ego can include:

• Criticism of Self or Others
• Need for Control
• Desire for Dominance
• Obsession with Winning
• Self-Isolation
• Bloated Self-importance
• Toxic Positivity

Negative tendencies that flow from an unhealthy ego can include narcissism, sociopathy, and even emotional abuse towards others.

What Does it Mean to Have an Ego Problem?

Your ego is only a ‘problem’ if it is causing you to have a difficult time getting along in the world.

If you find yourself very often in arguments, confrontations, and having personal problems and issues with others, then it is likely your ego driving this.

The ego can create a worldview that is biased towards problems and challenges and can position you as the person who is the victim. This is why people label it as an ‘ego problem’ as it is the cause of a self-perpetuating cycle. 

Very often people who have an ego problem will tend to have a self-aggrandizing view of themselves. This ego trait can sometimes be referred to as ‘main character syndrome’ in popular culture and indicates a person seeing themselves as the most important person in the world.

Often terms like ‘ego trip’ or having a ‘big ego’ are common when a person’s ego is driving their behavior.

What is the Ego in Spirituality?

While psychology has one view of the ego, which is more clinical, there are also other views of the ego. 

In particular, in the world of spirituality, there are many teachings from Buddha, Jesus, Lao Tzu, and other famous historical spiritual leaders who have spoken about the risk of too much attachment to the self, and to ego.

Ancient texts such as the Bhagavad Gita and the Dhammapada have espoused the value of transcending our need for self-importance. Letting go of our personal identity and seeing ourselves as part of a unified whole is a key part of spiritual ego transcendence.

Modern spiritual leaders such as Thich Nhat Hahn, Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, and Eckhart Tolle all discuss the importance of mindfulness, meditation, and cultivating compassion as ways to have a healthy ego and live a more fulfilling life as a result.

The ego in spirituality is often seen as the illusion that you are separate from everyone else, and every other thing in the world. Because you have a physical body, you see yourself as that body and forget about your emotional and spiritual connection to others.

The goal of ego transcendence is to begin to look past your own self-importance, and your separateness from others, and to start to see your ‘true identity’.

In a spiritual context, everyone and everything is connected and is tied together through collective consciousness.

What is Ego Strength?

It can be confusing to think of the difference between a strong ego and a big ego. But the two are very different ways of showing up in the world.

Ego strength shows that you have no need for outside circumstances to define your value as a human being. You see yourself as just as important and valuable as any other person, and you act accordingly. 

The more personal growth a person does, the greater their ego strength, which is similar to having a healthy body. As you begin to care for your health, you desire more health and self-care as a result. You practice healthy behaviors that lead your ego to become stronger and healthier.

Can You Kill Your Ego?

There is a lot of talk today about the need to kill your ego, ego dissolution, or ‘ego death’.

The idea behind wanting to ‘kill your ego’ is being completely free of ego, you will help you see the world objectively, and to experience life more fully.

But can you truly ‘kill’ your ego?  Is it possible to separate yourself from your ego?

While ‘ego death’ or ‘killing your ego’ might seem like a good idea in theory, becoming completely ego-less is, in reality, almost impossible.

In a way, your ego is the foundational operating system of your personality. It is the base level of how you think, feel, function, and survive. 

There is no way to completely remove a person’s ego (i.e. to kill your ego) without also removing what makes that person unique. 

A better idea is to tune into what many spiritual teachers call your higher self. 

Ego Vs. Higher Self

When you aim to live more of your life in tune with your higher self, you will feel guided by a different type of energy.

As mysterious as the term ‘higher self’ might seem, it is actually easy to find within you.

Your higher self is your center of personal power. It is where you tune into your compassion, kindness, inner peace, and desire to help others. All of us have these desires, and when we tune the ego to align with our higher self, it makes life a lot easier to cope with.

Your ego is your identity as you see it today in the normal everyday world. It can easily get carried away by a negative emotion, or a difficult circumstance. 

Your higher self, by contrast, is ‘in the world, but not of it’ as the spiritual author David Hawkins eloquently explains. 

No matter what the circumstance, if you take a moment, breathe deeply, and ‘listen’ for your higher self, it will guide your feelings and actions.

My Struggles with Unhealthy Ego

From my earliest childhood memories, I’ve always had a strong sense of ego that runs my thoughts and feelings.

At times I’ve felt incredibly inferior to others, and at other times I have felt somewhat superior. What I have learned is that both these feelings are driven by unhealthy ego needs and that moving past them is a more healthy way to live. 

For many years, I was driven by a strong drive to succeed and to ‘be someone’ in the world. This strong drive for achievement has led me to have some unrealistic expectations of myself and has even led to problematic behavior. Things like jealousy, resentment, narcissism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms have all been part of my battle with my ego. 

While I would not label myself as an egocentric person, I can definitely see an unhealthy ego has led to toxic thinking patterns that took me a long time to change. Just like everyone else, I have struggled to manage my ego at certain times in life.

Fortunately, as I grow into my mid-forties, I feel that I am finally starting to get a grasp on how to have a healthy ego and tune into my true higher self.

Embracing Your Healthy Ego

While it seems like most of the discussion about the ego is negative, the truth is it can be a very healthy support system for you. A healthy ego is simply a set of habits and beliefs that you choose to lean into. 

Nobody starts out life with a fully formed ego. For this reason, you can choose to change the way you see yourself, and build more happiness in the process.

No matter how far behind you feel, or even if you believe you do have some unhealthy ego traits, you can change and grow. 

By better understanding what part ego plays in your life, the easier it becomes to have a healthy ego.

All that it takes is willingness and awareness.