Most men in their 30s will deny that they are scared of anything.
And the older a man gets, the more common this denial becomes.
For most men in their 30s, the fears they have are hidden underneath layers of complexity.
Some common unspoken fears that most men experience are:
- Fear of failure at work
- Fear of commitment or marriage
- Fear of rejection from women
- Fear of being average
- Fear of falling behind in life
For men in their 30s, this is the time when some of these fears begin to take hold.
What are Men’s Biggest Fears After 30?
As a young man in your late teens or 20s, you are more carefree and are not expected to take life too seriously. There is a sense that you can make mistakes and not have to worry.
Not so after the age of 30. Most men’s fears start to feel more real once life becomes more structured.
The truth is, as men get into their 30s and beyond, fear doesn’t go away, it just gets more sophisticated.
Men in their thirties use a lot of rationalization, coping mechanisms, and avoidance to ensure they keep their fears hidden and under control.
These approaches not only lead to more anxiety and negative feelings but can have a direct impact on mental health.
Of course, as a result, there is a lot of avoidance, anxiety, and shame that men in their 30s deal with that is kept completely hidden.
Men in their early 30s and mid-30s are navigating a time of great change in their lives. Many of their friends are settling down, there is pressure to find a credible career and to live a more ‘normal’ life.
While most men will start to stabilize in their 30s and beyond, there is a lot of fear and worry that goes along with lifestyle changes.
In this article, I want to share 5 hidden fears that I have experienced during my thirties as a man, and how I learned to admit, confront, and overcome them.
5 Hidden Fears of Men in their Thirties
While these fears men experience are generalizations, there is a lot of research to back up the ideas. Most men have fears that they suppress, or avoid. For this reason, bringing attention to them makes each of them less powerful.
Guided by the work of Abraham Maslow, Daniel J. Levinson, and Terrence Real, I have come up with five hidden fears men have in their 30s.
1) Fear of Not Fitting In
Most men in their 30s will deny the fear of not fitting in, or not belonging to a group.
Sometimes known as estrangement or agoraphobia, the fear of not fitting is the number one fear most 30-year-old men have in their lives.
It’s no secret that men feel pressure to change and ‘grow up’ in their 30s. There is a sense that life somehow has to become serious and you must act in a very rational way.
And if you choose not to do what everyone else is doing, you can become socially ostracized.
The desire to be part of a group and to conform is incredibly strong in all of us. As Abraham Maslow has explained, the desire for love and belonging is intrinsic in all of us. Every person craves a sense of community and friendship, and the people we seek it from will have certain norms.
The fear of not fitting in is driven by a deeper need for love, connection, and community.
Of course, the fear of fitting in is not necessarily bad. It helps us to be more friendly, respectful, courteous, and kind. It helps us to operate in a collaborative way with others in the world. And for men aged 30, 35, and 40 this is a big piece of why they have happy lives.
Fear of not fitting in helps you to be more moderate, more balanced, and to make more rational decisions. Most people when they get married or settle down will also report that there is a desire to conform to the wants and needs of their partner and social group.
The fear of not fitting in is only bad when we stop ourselves from doing things that matter to us. When we fear judgment and ridicule from others we may make decisions that are not in line with our values.
This can include choosing a career we don’t like, or committing to a relationship we don’t really want. Many men fall into this trap in their 30s and beyond, and it is directly linked to their fear of not fitting in.
2) Fear of Not Standing Out
In contrast to the desire to fit in, there is a fear for most men at age 30 that they are not unique or special. Sometimes known as the fear of being average or koinophobia, it is a common fear for men in their 30s and 40s.
Why do men have a fear of not standing out? Because there is a huge cultural push these days to be an individual, a maverick, and a unique person. Everyone is encouraged to share their specialness, talents, and passions.
However, this desire to be above average, is often driven by a fear of not standing out. Many men will base their sense of self-worth and self-esteem on their social status, and their ability to appear dominant in business or other achievements.
In the world today, men are often recognized by their achievements or status. The more money, prestige, fame, or power a man has, the more he is valued.
While the fear of standing out can lead some to do better in life, it can also lead to a lot of workaholism, delusions of grandeur, and an inability to be satisfied.
3) Fear of Being Alone
Another fear that many men have in their thirties and beyond is the fear of being alone.
The fear of being alone has many names, including monophobia, autophobia, isolophobia, or eremophobia. Usually, it is coupled with the fear of being abandoned, ignored, or isolated.
This fear of being alone is especially strong when it comes to romantic relationships. Many men in their 30s will begin to crave having a life partner and somebody to date, marry, and share life with.
The fear of being alone for men is not as commonly expressed as it might be for women. Men are supposed to be solitary and independent.
They are supposed to be happy in their own company. However, many men have a crippling fear that they will be single or a bachelor their whole life.
If a man is scared of being alone, he may choose a potential partner in life that may not be the best match for him. He may spend time with people who may not be the most nurturing or supportive because the alternative of being alone is too scary.
The fear of being alone creeps on 30-year-old men up as friends settle down, and we are still left without a partner.
The reality is that fear of being alone is rarely realistic. There are literally thousands of ways today to meet people, find a date, and to share your life with others.
Simply admitting this fear can often be enough to loosen its grip and to allow us to find ways to meet people and to connect with them,
4) Fear of Being Tied Down
On the opposite end of the spectrum from being alone is a fear of being ‘tied down’.
Sometimes called commitment phobia or gamophobia, this fear of being tied down is very common for men. Commitment fear or commitment issues for men are the feeling that they will be too restricted or limited if they are in a committed relationship.
It is commonly believed that most men have a strong fear of commitment and that this is their biggest fear. A commitment-phobic man is a common complaint of many women when dating in their 30s and beyond.
While men’s fear of commitment is a broad generalization, there is a reason why men in their 30s may have a fears of commitment, a fear of a romantic relationship, or a fear or being tied down.
Men in their 30s are seen as the prime age to find a life partner and to marry and have a family. Pressure can begin to mount when people start questioning if and when you ‘meet someone’ or ‘settle down’.
For many men, this new societal expectation or family pressure at the age of 30 and 40 may also begin to create fear of settling down, being tied down, or committing to one person. Men may think that committing to intimate relationships will end up being a negative experience.
Men may also fear emotional intimacy due to past experiences in an unhealthy relationship. Even in a good relationship, some men may have a hard time trusting a romantic partner and staying in a long term relationship.
The reality is that most people will desire a committed relationship during their life, and a part of this means giving up certain freedoms. But the fear of being tied down is often nullified by the positive benefits of a loving, committed relationship.
5) Fear of Insignificance
Perhaps the most hidden fear that men have after the age of 30 is their fear of being insignificant. Most men want to be valuable, and live a life of meaning and purpose.
The Austrian psychologist Viktor Frankl believed that, above and beyond anything else, human beings crave meaning.
Even if they are not clear on what their life purpose is, for men in their 30s there can still be a strong desire to have a sense of significance in their life.
While this fear of insignificance may not be as strong for all men, it can usually develop during your thirties as a result of trying to figure out what life is about.
As a man matures and grows, the desire to do things that have an impact on the world may increase in importance. This is a development phase that Maslow called Transcendence, where we are driven by a desire to help others and make an impact.
Leaning into this desire and exploring how can make a commitment to a greater cause can be a great help for men who have a fear of insignificance.
Embracing Fears as a 30-Year-Old Man
Most men in their thirties may not even be aware that they are experiencing these fears. They may have buried them under layers of excuses, negative habits, and false beliefs.
Yet, when men’s fears are observed, admitted, and then embraced, then men can begin to move past them.
In reality, these are the same fears that all men have, but just more acute fears for men in their 30s.
As we grow as men, we can support each other by being open about our fears, worries, and concerns. The openness helps to make the fears less powerful, as we move past them to a more fulfilling, actualized stage of life.
