Is it possible in life to look past our own needs and desires?

Can we find ways to be more compassionate, empathetic, and aware of the needs of those around us?

I believe that yes, it is possible if we practice being more selfless.

Selflessness, or being selfless is one of the lesser-known ways to happiness and personal growth.

However, being a selfless person requires overcoming a lot of your own ego issues, and moving past the desire to simply be a selfish person.

In this article, I want to share some of the ways that I have learned to think and act more selflessly, and how you can be more selfless in your everyday life.

What is Selflessness?

The definition of selflessness is to put the needs and desires of others before your own. To be more focused on helping or making others happy than to worry about yourself.

While this ability to be selfless can be a positive thing, when it is taken too far, it can also become damaging to your own mental health.

Selflessness is often associated with having a healthy ego and learning to look past your personal needs. Typically a selfish person will only focus on what matters to them, or what is happening in their own life.

When you learn how to be selfless, you will find that many of your personal needs will also be met as a result.

What is the True Meaning of Selflessness?

At the core of selflessness is compassion, empathy, and altruism. All three of these characteristics are what true selflessness is about.

True selflessness can be as simple as being a good listener, a small act of kindness, or some kind of personal sacrifice that helps another person.

The true meaning of selflessness is simply being able to look past whatever needs, wants, events, or circumstances you find yourself in and offering a helping hand to others.

Obviously, true selflessness doesn’t have to be a grand gesture of charity – it can just be a little thing that you choose to do to help another person in some way.

Is Selflessness a Good Thing?

Being able to act in a selfless way means that you have a more balanced perspective in life. You see the world beyond your own needs, and you are willing to be a human being who contributes to others.

The benefits of selflessness are clearly documented in a psychological study by Dovidio & Penner in 2001 titled ‘Helping and altruism’. This study showed that prosocial behaviors that have benevolent effects are not only beneficial to others but also to the individual themselves.

This finding shows that helping someone else also rewards the helper. There is a great deal of psychological science today that has proven the value of living in a more selfless way.

While it may not be a tangible benefit, the core benefit seems to be the sense of fulfillment and connection that the selfless act creates.

Why is Selflessness Important?

Beyond just feeling good about ourselves, there are societal benefits to selflessness.

When we are willing to be more selfless, it can have a positive impact on other people’s lives.

According to a 2022 study by Parsell and Clarke on the benefits of charity: asking for, providing, and receiving support are key interpersonal dynamics that constitute the fabric of societies.

The study shows that having access to support and the kindness of others is a key component of a high-functioning society. Many people will require support and help at some stage of life from family, friends, or a charitable organization.
It is the willingness to help that assists the less fortunate to improve their lives, and in turn help others.

Is Selflessness a Form of Love?

It might seem strange to associate being a selfless person with the emotion of love. But the more you think about it, the more obvious the connection becomes.

In every culture on earth, there is some form of selflessness that is part of the society. Whether at family, communal, societal, or spiritual level it is driven by the love of others.

When we love someone, such as a family member, friend, or even a pet, we are much more inclined to perform a selfless act for them. Our desire for people we love to be happy will often override any selfish motive that we may have.

Of course, there have been many spiritual teachers who have espoused the values of selflessness for thousands of years. Many believe that spiritual growth begins when we move past focusing on ourselves.

The teachings of the Buddha are about selflessness. The Dhammapada teaches that liberation is found through overcoming the illusory nature of the self, cultivating compassion for others, and letting go of attachment to personal gain.

Jesus Christ extended the act of selflessness far beyond normal expectations. He suggested that to love our enemies, even, and pray for our persecutors was important.

Al-Ithar (translated to selflessness) is a quality that is highly respected in Islam, where the relationship between yourself and fellow human beings should never be neglected and is a path to a stronger relationship with Allah.

Why Is It Hard to Be Selfless?

The world today is set up in a way that the individual is the most important. In generations past, the focus of society was more centered on family, community, and the ways we contribute to our society.

However as the world has become more addicted to technology use, it also means there has been a rise in selfish desire in each of us.

The modern world is set up in a way that it appears that helping ourselves will make us happy.

However, living a life of pure selfishness very often leads us to feel empty and isolated.

Loneliness, depression, and a sense of meaninglessness are on the rise in our world, and very often one of the root causes is being purely focused on ourselves.

Selflessness is difficult to begin practicing, but as soon as you start practicing it, you will feel a sense of fulfillment like never before.

What Causes Someone to Be Selfless?

When we seek happiness only for ourselves, it eventually makes us unhappy. All of us have experienced the feeling of emptiness that comes from trying to meet only our own needs.

While the selfish person may appear to be getting ahead and gaining in the short term, very often the lack of meaning begins to appear.

Selflessness often only occurs to us once we have exhausted our ability to chase selfish motives. Sometimes we cannot see that the pursuit of selfish desires is actually creating a deeper sense of unhappiness.

It’s only when we look outside ourselves to help others that we find inner fulfillment. Sometimes we discover this by mistake, or when we are forced to care for a loved one in our family.

My Journey to Becoming More Selfless

Becoming a selfless person was not easy for me.

Honestly, I spent the first 20 years of my adult life trying to find happiness and fulfillment by only taking care of my own needs.

In my early 20s, I chased financial success, thinking that I needed it to be free. I thought that once I had ‘enough’ money I would be happy, and that I could then turn to helping others. Of course, there was never a time when I had ‘enough’ money to feel like I was ready to stop chasing more.

By the time I was 30, I thought that maybe the key to happiness was to find love. So, in my misguided attempts, I chased romantic success, thinking it would make me feel revered and desired. Of course, it only left me feeling empty and lonely most of the time.

Finally, at age 35, I started to think that chasing success as a professional speaker would bring me a sense of achievement and uniqueness. I figured that once I was mildly famous as a speaker, I could use my influence in a way that would help others.

Of course, chasing all these desires ended up making me feel unfulfilled.

At a deeper level, all I was seeking was a sense of love and acceptance from others. And I was going about it backward.

When I was nearing forty years old, and nothing was working, I started looking outside myself in small ways. I joined some charitable and community groups and started offering help in small ways. I gave my time and efforts to those who needed it, both in my family and also in the community.

Amazingly, the more effort and focus I gave to others, the more I felt like I didn’t need money, attraction, or fame to be fulfilled.

All I needed to do was become more selfless. When I focused outside my own needs, my own life I started to create an incredibly fulfilling life.

From Selfish to Selfless

What I finally realized is that the modern world gives us the wrong instructions.

We are taught and shown that people who strive to create success for themselves are who we should emulate.

But the truth is that nobody who is only seeking material desires, or personal achievements is ever fulfilled for very long.

Often when a successful person achieves one goal, they begin seeking the next thing, and the next after that. They become addicted to the hedonistic cycle, rather than seeing that the pursuit is what is causing them pain.

Unfortunately, we mistakenly believe that if we follow the modern path of selfish people, and strive to achieve personal success, that we will eventually find happiness and meaning.

The reality is that those who only focus on selfish motives are stuck. They will begin suffering as a result of their own self-serving.

It is only when we focus on ourselves less that we begin to experience fulfillment.

Focus On Yourself, Less

There is no denying it: the world we live in today is becoming a nightmare of narcissism.

Selfish people get a lot more attention than selfless people who make an impact. But over the long term, those who are respected, and remembered are those who help others.

Perhaps the hardest thing to do in the modern world is to let go of our own selfishness.

It is so easy to get caught up in our goals, our plans, our social media personas, and trying to make ourselves happy.

Yet, the more we chase happiness through achievement, the less we are able to grasp it.

The happiness we all seek is found in the contribution we can give to others.

There is no simpler way to a fulfilling life than to focus on yourself, less.